


It's all in my Head

by FluffyFlydr



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-01
Updated: 2015-09-14
Packaged: 2018-03-15 18:16:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3457061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FluffyFlydr/pseuds/FluffyFlydr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Non-Canon break off from Season 7 Episode 17, The Born-Again Identity, where things go much worse for poor Castiel. Lucifer messes with Cas's head and manipulates him enough that Cas, abandoned from his friends and cut off from everything he held dear, finally snaps.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'm coming out of my cage

_Hello, Brother._

Sam was gone from the hospital bed. A grinning lucifer lay there instead. His demonic laughter rang through Castiel’s ears and wormed around his brain. No, no, no! the voice of reason screamed through his mind. You’re not real! You can’t be real! Lucifer’s sadistic grin twisted upwards, growing ever wider. His laughter became louder and louder, filling Cas’s head and silencing all other thoughts. Cas gripped his reeling head, sliding down the wall in pain and curling into a tight ball with his eyes firmly shut.

“Cas? Cas!” a voice broke through the dark veil of agony, and two hands gripped his shoulders. Castiel opened his eyes in terror, expecting to see his brother there. Instead, a distressed Dean was the figure in front of his face. “Cas, man, what the hell? Are you alright?” he asked, visibly panicking. _Yes, Cassie. Are you okay? Did you get a boo-boo?_ the simpering voice of Cas’s older brother spoke. Cas let out a whimper. Dean’s eyes grew larger and more panicked as he shook Cas. “Cas?! Talk to me, man! What the hell?” he shouted. Castiel’s blue eyes sparked with panic as he looked around the room. His friends and Meg surrounded him, but he looked over them. Cas could see no sign of the terrifying apparition that had plagued Sam’s mind for so long and had now taken over his own.

 _Boo,_  a voice whispered in his ear. Cas spun his head around with a jolt, knocking Dean’s hands off by accident. Lucifer crouched down next to Cas, his chin on his hand. He had an almost pitying smile, that might have fooled Castiel if not for the malicious glint in his eyes.

_Guess what, Cassie? You’re in my domain now._

 


	2. I've been doing just fine

Cas watched from his window as Dean and Sam walked out of the doors, got into their car and pulled away from the hospital. _Aww… look at the poor lovesick baby,_ Lucifer mocked. _Missing your little crush?_ Cas groaned at the voice and banged his head against the bars crossing the window.

“Clarence? Anything wrong?” Meg’s voice asked through the door. Cas sighed.

“I’m fine, thank you.” he called back. Lucifer tensed his jaw. _Cassie… I’m still here!_ he said, snapping his fingers in front of Cas’s face. Castiel did his best to ignore him, instead shuffling to his bed and collapsing there. He payed no attention to Lucifer or his movements, staring up at the ceiling as if numb. Lucifer’s eyes grew hard. _You know, they never actually liked you,_ he snarled. _Why else would they leave you here, only with a demon they barely know?_   Cas flinched, but said nothing. The corners of Lucifer’s mouth twitched. _They pick up a random demon, and force you to take their problems away. Dean doesn’t care about you, he only wanted his brother back._

Cas shut his eyes, hoping and praying that this would all just end. Lucifer bent over Cas, growling beside his head. _Do you want to know why?_ he laughed. _It’s because, well. It’s so simple. Tried to convince yourself over all these years that you’re fine, haven’t you? I know better. I can see inside your deepest and darkest thoughts, little brother. Do you want to know what I learned? Dean doesn't care that you're hurting... because you’re worthless._ Lucifer declared with a bark of laughter.

_You’re completely worthless, Cassie. No one cares about what happens to you. You’ve caused so many problems. Anything you try and fix makes everything worse. Our father never made mistakes, supposedly. Well, he definitely made one._ Lucifer paused for a moment, a sadistic smile on his face, then he suddenly lashed out, making the bulb in the light above Cas’s bed burst. Cas’s eyes flew open involuntarily. Lucifer, grinning at the effect he had, leaned in close. _His only mistake, brother… it was you._

“Be quiet!” Cas roared suddenly, jolting up from the bed. Lucifer smiled and sat back on his heels, a calmer look on his face. _See, Cas? I know everything about you. Your ins, your outs, and your… weaknesses._ He snapped his fingers, staring straight at Castiel. Flames flickered in Cas’s vision, and the sound of screaming pierced his ears.

_ Oh, we are going to have so much fun. _


	3. Gotta be Damned

Castiel lay on the floor of the hospital, sweating. Strong chains bound him to the floor, and oil hung in containers above him. His whole body was covered in patches that attached to wires, leading to the vessels above. He knew this trick, he had seen it used against uncountable demons, disobeyers of the angels, or even just those who failed to give adequate information. The thought could make him shiver, but all of his willpower held him from doing so. If he moved so much as a fraction of an inch the wires would shudder, and that would activate the bottom of the containers to give away. The oil was the fuse for the burning flames around him- close enough to cling onto any flammable substance that moved, but not enough to catch him yet. He tried to keep his mind clear, to think of nothing. He had to, if he wanted to live. If he wanted to escape Lucifer. If he wanted to see... Dean.

The other man's image flickered through his mind. His laughter, his surprise at Castiel being home, his approval of what Cas did, their time in purgatory together, their time without Sam... Dean's voice rang in his head clearly. "Hey Cas, what's the word?" He laughed as they researched a case together. "Hey Cas!" he said eagerly as he came home. "Hey Cas," he said lovingly, after missing him for so long. "Hey Cas" he said as Cas held a blade to his head. "Hey Cas" he said grudgingly before he turned his back. "Hey Cas" he said as he left Cas forever and doomed him to a life in an asylum, alone. The voice broke Castiel's stillness, breaking him into a cry. All at once the oil poured over him and he could feel the flames licking over his arms, finding their way up his torso and into his hair, burning away at his skin-

Cas woke with a jolt to see Lucifer watching intently over him. He had a silly pair of glasses and a mustache, and held a pen to a notepad.  _So, how did that little escapade do for our sleeping beauty?_ He asked with a smug look. Cas glared at him, cursing himself for falling into his trap. He swung his legs over the edge of his bed and wiped the sweat off of his forehead. Tears pricked at the edge of his eyes and there was what felt like a boulder in his throat. He quickly brushed the tears away too. Lucifer nodded briskly  and doodled in his notepad, a snobbish pout on his face.  _Ah yes, in my wonderful expertise I have concluded..._ He turned around his notebook to show off to Cas.  _...That you aren't going home anytime soon!_ The page featured a doodle of dean with a look of disapproval on his face.  _... Or really anytime._ He tossed the book in the air and snapped his fingers, and a flame quickly enveloped the book up to Dean's eyes, which hung in the air staring at Cas for a few more seconds until they too disintegrated into ash.

Cas felt sick. He lurched up from the bed and pulled himself through the door, moving as far as he could from Lucifer. "Meg?" he called out, his voice breaking. Lucifer watched him as he stumbled down the hall, then blew the ash from his picture after him and sat back with a satisfied look. _The pins just line themselves up to be knocked down, one by one._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, and my sincere apologies for ignoring this story. I've been using other things as coping mechanisms to deal with stuff, and so I've neglected this. However I'm back with some plans, a crappy mood, and an urge to work on this! We might be nearing the end, but I'll try not to let it die without some excitement first.


	4. I want it all

“Yo, Cas,” Dean’s gruff voice was like candy to Cas, and he had been craving that sweetness for a long time. “Cas?”

“Hello, Dean.” Cas replied shakily. Tears threatened to spill over the edge of his eyes. He kept his head down, letting his long dark bangs drape over his eyes. “I’ve missed you.” he murmured. Dean coughed awkwardly.

“Yeah, well. The team is missing you.” Cas felt his heart sink a little more into the gaping abyss that was his depression. “Of course he never cared. Why the hell would he? You’re just a fuck up. Nothing more than a little child screaming at a wall. No one gives a fuck about you. No one. Not even Dean. He… He never did. Never. He never did,” the voice in his head told him. He thought with slight amusement of how he would before called those his thoughts. But now, they were just another demon, slipping into his mind and telling him what to do, what to say, everything. Dean coughed again. “Yeah, um. Cas. We’re going on a trip, there was talk of a wendigo a couple states away. So… I won’t be able to visit. Not for a while.” Dean’s voice sounded regretful. But of course it wasn’t. No one regretted what they had done to him. He didn’t either. He was better off locked in here alone.

“So, um, Meg, use your freaky demon crap to take care of him.” Dean patted Cas’s arm. “You’re gonna be okay, buddy. Um, take care of yourself.” And just like that, he closed the door again. Cas shuddered against his will. _I’ll give you a tip_ , Lucifer’s voice came. He closed the door that Dean had just left through and walked in. _He’s not coming back._ Cas’s lips tightened. _Hear that baby bro? You’re stuck with me! Isn’t that fun?_ Cas just stared at the floor. _Aww, come on. You’re no fun._ He grabbed Cas’s Head with his hands and nodded it up and down. _Yay! Just give me a big ol smile now and it’s just like old times!_ He moved towards cas’s lips to drag them upwards. Cas snapped at the fingers. _Ooh that one was close! But no such luck,_ Lucifer laughed. _Now baby brother, don’t you think it’s time to go to bed?_

“I’m not a baby.” Cas muttered under his breath so that Meg couldn’t hear. _Crying like that?_ Lucifer leaned in close to his face and wiped Cas’s tears. _No, you’re just a baby. Dean would say that you’re just a baby in a trench coat. Powerless. Weak._ Cas clenched his teeth.

“I’m going to bed, Meg. Thank you.” He said abruptly and half walked, half ran back to his room, where he closed the door, lay down on his bed, and burst into tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End finished! Coming in about two chapters or so.


	5. It started out with a kiss

There was an alarm that day. It was two weeks after Dean’s visit to the hospital. Meg woke him up early, and along with his medication told him that there had been a message from Dean. If Cas was a cat, his ears would have perked up at that. Meg told him that Dean had sent a warning of a group of angels last seen moving towards the hospital, so they had to be on alert.

“He also wanted me to tell you that he missed you.” she added with a smile as she walked out the door.

“Meg, wait.”

“Hm?”

“Did he really say that?”

Meg’s smile faltered.

“Take your medicine.” She left. He took the glass of water and knocked back the pill.

It was later that day that Cas’s door opened again. Lucifer had been quieter that day, but that wasn’t better. He was just laughing… Always laughing. He never stopped laughing, not when Cas screamed, shouted, covered his ears, swung at him, or did anything. And Cas was about to learn why.

“Castiel. Stay in your room. Don’t let anyone in. If possible… barricade the door. And DON’T DO ANYTHING.” Meg shouted. Her eyes were panicked, and she held an angel blade in her hand.

“Meg? What’s going on?” Cas asked. There was a crash outside that thundered through the building, and he heard hurried footsteps rush through the hallways. Meg looked back through the door, obviously itching to get back out there.

“Clarence, they’re here. Dean’s warning. They’re all here. Oh god…” She looked terrified, but then regained her calm. “So stay put. Don’t let anyone in. Not even…” she shuddered. “Not even me. Especially not me. If everything turns out okay... “ She gulped, and forced back tears. “I’ll figure something out. Everything will be okay. Everything. Okay.” She seemed more to be trying to convince herself rather than him. “God Cas I love you, okay?” There was another crash, and sounds of yelling. “I have to go. Keep yourself safe!” And she was gone.

Cas barricaded the door with a desk that meg had unscrewed for him. He waited for hours, listening to the noises outside. Someone had broken through the door, and whatever defenses were left. That was the most he could tell. And then… Well, the screaming and bright flashes outside said enough. Lucifer was hysterical. He could barely move for laughing. Cas lay on his bed with his pillow over his ears and prayed for everything to be over.

It was almost evening when everything was quiet. There was an eerie silence that hung over the building. Cas waited another hour, but finally he couldn’t take the silence anymore. He pushed the desk aside and opened the door cautiously. His footsteps were the only thing that he could hear. He walked through the halls, silence reigning. Lucifer walked beside him, smirking but quiet. The doors to other’s rooms were open or cracked. Cas resisted the urge to look inside them.

Of course he knew what he was looking for. And he knew what he was going to find. It just didn’t seem real. It was too preposterous to believe. So he walked on slowly, dragging his hand over all the tiles on the walls. He hesitated as he reached the doors that led to the main room. He braced himself and pushed them open.

What greeted him was somehow worse than he imagined. As impossible as it seemed, the scene in front of him was the worst thing that he could possibly imagine and he had ever seen. Bodies layered the floor like a carpet. Some were mostly intact, almost lifelike, except for a  hole in their chest and a bloodstain on their clothes. And some were worse off, limbs missing, scratched faces, already bruising skin. And others… There was a mass that surrounded the door that were shredded beyond recognition, ripped apart as if by some machine whose only purpose was this grisly result. They were so perfectly halved that it was strange to think that they had been whole. They were fascinating and terrifying. Cas figured that the body in front of him with so many stab wounds was the creature that had produced these corpses. Its teeth were bared and its hands were soaked in blood, demon and human alike.

Cas sifted through the bodies. Some lay on the steps, evidently have been trying to get through the doors but dragged downwards by a very angry someone. He stepped over these carefully. They were killed by an angel blade, the wounds in the back of their necks being incredibly obvious. They weren’t what he was looking for. The next few were some scattered demons, but mostly other patients. Terror was painted all over their faces. Cas looked more thoroughly at these, but again decided that his target wasn’t there either. He looked around the room again, and a glint of light caught his eye.  An angel blade lay buried in a demon’s throat. He rushed over to the weapon, stumbling over bodies without a care. He picked up the blade and looked to the side. There.

There was what… who… he had been looking for. A dark head of hair lay scattered on the ground, an almost detached body beside it. Cas froze. Of course he had known what he was going to find. But he had hoped.. Maybe he was wrong… maybe… but this confirmed his fears. He knelt down and carefully pushed the body onto its back cradling the head and neck to keep them safe. Meg almost looked like she was asleep. She was the picture of peace, eyes calmly closed with a slight grimace on her face, normal to her. Cas was stunned. He could barely think or breathe. The stench of death crept to him slowly. He hadn’t noticed it before, but now it was incredibly apparent. He lowered the body back onto the floor and shakingly placed the blade on its chest, crossing both her hands over it. Then he let out a scream of rage and grabbed a weaker knife from beside him. In a fit of crossed emotions he held his arm out and slashed it with the blade, letting his blood mix with Meg’s. He sobbed quietly as the knife clattered to the floor.

And that was where he stayed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He stayed there for two days. He didn't eat or move. Lucifer watched him amusedly as he was there. Cas slept next to meg when he did, which wasn't often. The rest of the time he alternated bouts of crying and thinking. Just thinking. And on the third morning he walked back to his room and did exactly the same for another week.


	6. How could it end up like this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> End

“I can’t do it! I can’t do it anymore!” Cas’s screams were only to himself and the illusion of his brother that stood in front of him. _Bad day?_ Lucifer mocked him. Castiel flinched, his face shrouded and shoulders trembling. Lucifer leaned back on his heels, chest out, chin up, looking all the more like a king watching a subject grovel before him. _How sad. You used to be such a fighter! Now look at you. Pathetic._ He sneered as he stalked around Cas, circling his prey in a looping trap, finally coming to rest in front of him. _You can’t do ANYTHING._ The rough feel of Lucifer’s hands around Cas’s neck dragged Castiel’s head upright. But the second their stares met, Lucifer’s triumphant expression faltered. Cas’s blue eyes, usually a vast ocean with icy rifts that seemed to have a hidden fire in them, looked almost dead. The dull glance was uncaring and had none of it’s previous spark. A grimace took over Lucifer’s face. _What is wrong with you?_ he snarled, shaking him slightly. Cas’s dull eyes looked back at him, a vacant smile threading across his features. A hoarse chuckle rose at the back of his throat.

“Hah... hahahahahahaha...” Lucifer took a step back, letting Cas’s head drop to his chest with a thump.

“HAHAHAHAHAHA!” Psychotic laughter shook Cas’s body, tears of mirth streaming down his cheeks. He sunk to his knees, stabilizing himself with his arms on the ground as he laughed. _Little brother, you’re going a little loopy…_ Lucifer had his hands in front of his chest, visibly disturbed.

“A LITTLE?” Cas asked. His huge grin added to the eeriness of his cold eyes. “I’m sorry sir, or should I say your fucking majesty or whatever damn title you want now?” He gave a mock bow from his position on the floor. Lucifer smiled uneasily. _You’re acting a odd, Cassie... What's the matter?_ “Oh I don’t know, wasn’t this your plan? You just wanted ME to bend to your will. All this was your idea.” Cas chortled. His voice dropped. “But you know the funny thing?” He chuckled again. _What in hell-_  “The funny thing is…” he laughed, cutting Lucifer off; “YOU’RE NOT FUCKING REAL!” Castiel jolted forwards, slashing downwards at his brother’s head. Lucifer’s body tore like paper, breaking off into shreds and dissipating. Cas screamed with glee and laughed until he was out of breath.

He threw his head back and sighed, the nightmare that had trapped him finally shattering. But yet something seemed wrong. Cas had only a second of clear thought before another wave of emotions crashed down on him, forcing him to his knees. One barrier had broken, but Castiel had already reached the point where he would too. He was not prepared for the crushing self-hatred and defeat that he felt. He felt like something had scooped out his insides and left him an empty shell, meaningless and insignificant.

All laughter gone, Castiel opened the door of his room in silence and walked downstairs. Dead bodies still littered the floor, demon and human alike. Cas only had interest in one of the fallen. He made his way through the fallen and to a woman dressed in hospital attire, her black hair falling in a serene grace over her face. Tears streamed from Castiel's eyes as he looked at his slain guardian, but he only just felt their contact on his skin, and nothing of the emotions that should have come with them. He drew the blade from beneath her hands and wiped it on his pant leg, then turned and walked away from the massacre.

Castiel made his way up the steps of the hospital. The silence around him was deafening and bore upon his ears like needles. His footsteps made steady thuds upon the metal steps as he trekked up to the highest point of the building.

The wind whipped at Cas's hair and coat as he walked on, feeling the breeze.

Cas stood on the edge of the roof. A page torn out of his journal, a stone tablet, and a blade rested in his hands.

"Our dead are never dead to us, until we have forgotten them." The words fell heavy from Cas's lips. _I'm already forgotten. Dying a second time shouldn't hurt._ He took a second to appreciate the sound of his own thoughts in his head. Then he closed his eyes. He felt almost weightless.

He sunk the blade into his chest, and fell.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it! Sorry for any feels. Or all the feels. All the feels? All the feels. Anyways. Thank you so much for reading this!


	7. It was only a kiss

The hospital was dark when the Impala drove up. Dean and sam parked it in the lot, and made their way to the building. There had been no news of what had happened in the hospital a week ago, and so they had driven back as soon as they could. The sky was black and dismal, starlight masked by clouds and moon shaded an ominous dark blue. The streetlights gave a soft light to the road and illuminated the path up to the hospital with a pale gold sheen. The two brother’s footsteps grated against the previously still pebbles that coated the ground.

They stopped short some yards from the building, seeing the faint white contrast of a patient’s coat to the shaded ground.

“Dean… is that…” Sam asked, but Dean had already left, running towards the figure.

A body lay on the ground, the tip of an angel blade sticking out of its back. The pure white of the hospital gown was stained with dark red blood, already dried. Tears blurred Dean’s vision, and he did nothing to stop them from dripping down his cheeks.

“No… no…” Dean knelt on the ground beside the figure, shaking. Sam came up to him, stock still with shock. Dean tenderly turned the body on its back. Cas’s ocean-coloured eyes stared up at him, a sheet of ice now covering their beautiful depths. Dean shook with sobs, cradling the body. He pressed his head against Cas’s cold cheek, hiccuping. “Cas, baby… please…” He brushed the hair away from Cas’s face. “Please… don’t… don’t do this to me man…” He looked up at Sam, his eyes begging for answers. “Why would he… Sam…” His voice broke as he cried harder. “Sammy he jumped! Why would he jump? Oh god please…” He looked to Cas’s ashen face again. “Why would he do this to himself?” He asked quietly. He rubbed his eyes, wiping blood onto his face. "I never even told him..."

His sobs were quiet for a moment. Then he lunged out to Cas’s chest, dragging the blade out and turning it on himself in a quick movement.

“Dean, no!” Sam caught his hand a moment from hitting his chest. Dean began to cry once more, dropping the blade in a limp hand. Thunder cracked above them as rain began to pour over the three people, mixing with Dean’s tears and dropping softly onto Cas’s open eyes. Dean shut them gently, resting his fingertips on the eyelids and feeling the curves of Cas’s face. He curled the face towards him, rubbing its cheek. He hugged the body to his chest, rocking back and forth.

“Cas… please… I love you…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'm damned to feel the way I do  
> What have I done to fall so hard  
> for you?"  
> (haha fall get it)  
> (anyways thank you all so so much! All of your support is so appreciated, I'm really honoured.)


End file.
